Now, it is me I am working on getting to know
December 12, 2021
This week, nearly 12 inches of snow fell here in 24 hours time, dressing our yard in its first fresh white of the season. Yesterday morning, once the snowfall had seized, my husband and I spent my son’s entire morning naptime plowing and shoveling out our driveway. But a midday walk through winding paths was a true reward for the hard work. Oh, the magic that comes with each year’s FIRST BIG SNOW. It’s a crystalline dreamland and winter’s kindest gift.
My son is about to turn one, and I am reminded of the approaching milestone often now, in this season we are in. Like when we set up our artificial, pre-lit Christmas tree on the day after Thanksgiving, and turned its lights on with my son on my hip.
We’d brought him home from the hospital on December 21st last year. I posed with him the next night, under the same tree, for a photo we sent to our friends and extended family to announce his arrival. In the photo, his eyes are closed and his arms are pulled into his body, posed as if still in the womb. Now, he wiggles intensely in my arms, extending his out towards the branches.
We have grown in love with this little wiggler. The tree lights give a glow to his cheeks and I catch my breath each time. We have grown in love, that is what I’d say. I sure loved him from the start, but he was a familiar stranger, a new someone I was excited to get to know.
In the early days of parenthood, a new friend and I, whom I had met through a pregnancy support group, began to write emails back and forth to one another. We were living an unfamiliar journey in parallel, her son just nine days older than mine.
I like to visit those email exchanges on occasion, to remind myself of the person I was, new to motherhood. What was I interested in and longing for? What was I struggling with and aching through? I feel like I know that version of me so intimately, yet, she feels like a distant version of myself now.
Neighbors are beginning to adorn their homes with lights. Our son predictably kicks with glee when we take him on evening walks in his stroller and we approach the lit-up deer figurines at the end of our block.
I feel like I know him well now. I know what makes him light up. I know what activities he is less thrilled about, like diaper changes and after-meal face wipes. I know what he is eager to climb up on, even following his parent’s gentle warnings. Now, it is me I am working on getting to know.
Things I’ve loved this past week
I reread (and listened to) “The Social Life of Forests”, written by Ferris Jabr. I’ll listen to it again, and again, as I particularly like hearing it read by Julia Whelan. “The pandemic has really revealed just how connected we are, and how vulnerable we become when those networks break down,” says Jabr in his introduction.
The Netflix limited series, “Maid”, starring Margaret Qualley. She is going to go places. I know it.
The Nostalgia Bone from Throughline from the Invisibilia Podcast Series. “But for all its ambiguity, nostalgia does reliably offer one thing: an escape, away from the uncertainty of the future, and towards the permanence of the past.” Is nostalgia ultimately good for us? This podcast episode tries to answer that question.
Another Netflix gem, “Single All the Way”.
What I’m listening to (A playlist for The Holidays)
“White Winter Hymnal” by Fleet Foxes
“The Christmas Walz” by She & Him
“Underneath the Tree” by Kelly Clarkson
“Mistletoe” by Vitamin String Quartet
“Christmas Day” by Johnnyswim
“Christmas Isn’t Canceled (Just You)” by Kelly Clarkson
“Snowman” by SIA
“Christmas Calling (Jolly Jones)” by Norah Jones
“Glittery -From The Kacey Musgraves Christmas Show” by Kacey Musgraves, Troye Sivan
“Home to You (This Christmas)” by Sigrid"
“Merry Christmas” by Ed Sheeran, Elton John
“What Are You Doing New Years Eve” by Johnnyswim
What I’m reading
“Looking for Alaska” by John Green
My “Last Week Look-Back” posts are me at my most honest: an unpolished spewing of reflections and ramblings on - well, whatever comes to mind, really.
I intend to post these at least bi-monthly, but hey - life gets busy. So I hope you’ll check back often, and follow me on Instagram at @wordsby_jennamarie for updates.
I’m so glad you’re here. Thanks for reading!